So, the other day I broke up with my girlfriend whom I had been dating for five years. When discussing this with her I completely understood why it had to happen. We had been sexually active when she didn't want to be, and both of us have had major problems we have to deal with. She has difficulties with body image, and struggles to understand how anyone could love, even God. I have my problems with pornography, masturbation, and depression. It was a destructive relationship ultimately. My false expectations of her sexuality caused constant trouble, leading to depression and suppressed feelings for the both of us. Eventually it came to the point where neither of us trusted each other. She could no longer trust me to treat her properly and respect her. In addition to this I treated myself poorly, threatening suicide on multiple occasions, making it impossible for her to tell me how I had hurt her without the fear that I might hurt myself. Before the breakup I had always thought that I trusted her to make good decisions and do what she thought was right. I was proud of her for having the courage to tell me she needed space, but when she said that she may never want to be in another relationship I lost it. I kept telling myself this would be a temporary thing, that once she was able to love herself we would be back together. The thought of never getting back together hurt. I thought my best friend, the person I could talk to the most was abandoning me. I got angry, and attacked her for it. I tried to guilt her back into the relationship. In doing this I provoked a true but painful statement from her. I had never respected her or her ability to make decisions. I was always overbearing. I hate the fact it took so long for me to find this out. It was always easy to deny this truth. Reflecting back I can see where I went wrong. Whenever she had to make a major life decision I always had my own opinion and argued for it forcefully. I thought I was being supportive. When she was graduating high school, she told me that she thought she would go to Case for nursing. I supported this, telling her that Case was the perfect school for her to do that. However, when she changed her mind, I didn't support her new decision right away. I argued that she would do better at case than Franciscan. When she decided she wanted to change her major from nursing to theology and writing, I argued again. When she had doubts of wanting to go to college at all, I argued again. When she wanted to drop her theology major, I argued again. Every decision she ever made, I argued. While I thought I was being supportive, she took it as sign that I couldn't trust her to direct her own life, to find her vocation that God alone could give her. I realize now I was too controlling. I wanted a certain thing for her life, for her to marry me and be a mother. I was selfish. I was trying to be a god. I put myself before the only person who could help her, thinking I was the one God would use to determine her steps, not her own reason.
This post is meant as an apology. I am so sorry I wasn't the trusting friend you need, Liz. I am so sorry for trying to control your life. And I am so proud of you and so thankful that you gave me the slap in the face I needed to wake up and realize I am not the man I need to be. I pray for your safety, your salvation, and that you find where God needs you to be in this life. If that means losing a romantic relationship with you for good, than so be it. But please know I will always be your friend, and I will try my hardest to love you as such. And to anyone else reading this, I pray you don't make the mistakes I did.
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." - Proverbs 16:9
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