A constant struggle of mine is not allowing my self-hate to overwhelm me. Recently I have been struggling with my bipolar more than usual and I become deeply depressed without knowing why. I become angry at myself because of this. There is nothing more frustrating than not being able to control your own emotions. Often this frustration overflows into my interactions with others, especially my family. Lack of control is not only frustrating but also embarrassing. Everyone can see it. They know something is wrong. But when they reach out and try to help, I lash back. I cannot stand other's knowing my problems. It is an issue of pride. I don't want others to see me as weak. Ironically this feeling is strongest when dealing with those who know my weaknesses the best; my parents. When I lash out with silence or shouting I feel worse. Why can't I just tell them what's wrong? I'm a horrible son, a horrible friend. I feed my self-hatred by trying to displace it. How does one overcome self-hatred? How can I see past my mistakes? Do my mistakes define me?
My faith tells me I am good by my very nature, and yet I am so clearly imperfect. I struggle with the smallest of tasks, such as remembering to take my medication or drinking enough water. My inability to be consistent in such menial tasks assures me of the immense effort I must expend in attaining control over my emotions. But does the struggle eliminate the possibility of success? Only if I let it. Despair is a vicious cycle. I pretend to be content with my failings when I long for perfection. Is this desire rooted in a false hope? An important part of our human nature is our will guided by the intellect and put into action by our creativity. None can deny the existence of such faculties. If they try, they have uprooted the foundation of social life. As Americans we idolize our ability to choose. This ability loses it's meaning if we cannot choose the good. When registering for classes next semester I will most likely have a choice between two professors for any one class. If a distinction between goods is not involved in my choice, what purpose does my ability to choose serve? I might as well choose a professor at random. And yet we only do this when we perceive the two choices to be equal in value.
I need not accept by faith alone that there are attainable goods in this world. But what of virtue? Is this good attainable? Virtue is different from other goods in that it is not material and dependent on something outside of ourselves, like money or praise. Virtue is dependent upon our present actions and attitudes. I may have been honest yesterday, but I can be a liar today. It can be very difficult to recognize virtue in ourselves because we often look to our past to define ourselves. Virtue requires the opposite. I must look forward to new challenges and struggles, recognizing my ability to learn from my mistakes and choose the good today in place of the evil I chose yesterday.
But some people seem to be able to do the good without thinking, while I must struggle to be virtuous everyday. Does the fact that I must struggle with temptation make me a wicked person by nature? As we have already discussed virtue is affected by our current choices, and therefore it is the choices I make while being tempted, not the temptation itself, that determine what I will become. It is true that some people have attained virtue in the form of habit. Habits can be either good or bad. Seeing others attain good habits gives me hope that I can rise above my habit of making mistakes. It should not make me despair in my own situation. If I despair it is because of a false perception of the term habit. A habit is not innate. It is formed during one's lifetime as a result of conditioning. It is true that some attain virtuous habits more quickly than others because of their environment, but this does not mean it is impossible for those who cultivated bad habits when they were young to form new and good habits. I am capable of choosing our influences. Community is important to attaining virtue. The more I surround myself with virtuous friends and influences, the easier it becomes to attain virtuous habits.
So how does this help me overcome my self-hate? Perhaps the one take away from this discussion is that cultivating bad habits leads to self-hate. I cannot love that which is not lovable. But I am not bound by my past. I am able to direct my future, for better or worse. Just because I fall does not mean that I must remain fallen. Cultivating good habits, acting in a dignified way, makes me see more readily my innate dignity.
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